Post by Manu on Mar 16, 2008 15:30:51 GMT -5
I was looking for something and bumped into this site:
mollyringle.com
There, theres a funny version of those two HP books, but obviously -very- condensed and also very hilarious!
Ill post some parts in case someone is way to lazy to read it all:
Deathly Hallows:
CH 4: DURSLEYS' HOUSE STILL
For instance, these things don't happen, but could:
HERMIONE-AS-HARRY: (squeezing own butt) Hmm, nice. Quite firm. Always did wonder.
RON-AS-HARRY: (peeking down own shorts, smiling in relief) Right, as I suspected. Nothing worth envying.
CH 7: STILL AT THE BURROW
GINNY: Here's your gift. My tongue, for the next half hour.
HARRY: Sweet! Remind me to break up with you more often!
ROWLING tells us they kiss in a way they've never kissed before, which makes you wonder what exactly they were doing in all those precious stolen moments on the Hogwarts grounds that Harry keeps reminiscing about. Playing Scrabble, evidently. Unfortunately HARRY now only gets to enjoy this gift for about ten seconds, for then RON flings open the door.
RON: Till I'm getting some, no one gets any!
HARRY: Hermione? Work on that, will you?
HERMIONE: (cringing) Right. Sorry.
CH. 12: GRIMMAULD PLACE, A MONTH LATER
They lurk outside the Ministry, knock someone out, and send two more to the hospital in order to take their places. Apparently HARRY will only do harm to random cube workers, not actual Death Eaters.
CH. 14: SOME FOREST
HARRY: Whoa! Another Voldemort glimpse in my head just there.
HERMIONE: Oh my God Harry nooo! Stop let-
HARRY: Shut up. Hm, he's looking for some fancy German wand.
HARRY drifts off to sleep thinking dreamily about a blond-haired merry-faced youth who stole something once. SEVERAL READERS start plotting time-travel slash involving HARRY and said THIEF.
CH. 15: VARIOUS CAMPSITES AROUND BRITAIN
HARRY: Woohoo! We finally have one single possible fragment of a clue!
RON: Pfft. Hardly. You suck, so does Dumbledore, and so does this whole trip.
HARRY: Fine. Go home, then.
RON: Fine, I will. You coming, woman?
HERMIONE: Um...no, but...
RON: You suck too.
RON storms out. HERMIONE starts crying and doesn't stop for a week.
HARRY: Dear Dumbledore: Wherever you are, I just want to say I kind of hate you. Sincerely, Harry.
CH 19: SNOWY FOREST
HARRY: Hey, um, it isn't true. She's like a sister to me. Our love is only a sibling-like love. Always has been. Never will be otherwise. I want to make this perfectly clear. We are now on record about the sibling-only nature of our love. Everyone got that?
HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: (sulking) Meanie.
CH 24: SHELL COTTAGE (B & B, 4 ROOMS, ONLY 120 QUID PER NIGHT MAY-OCT!)
HERMIONE: Harry, don't worry about that. It's the wizard behind the wand who counts. And you're a huge wizard.
RON: Hey!
HERMIONE: (quickly) So are you of course, Ron. I imagine. Not that I spend a lot of time imagining--um, anyway...
CH 31: BATTLEFIELD HOGWARTS
VOICE OF VOLDEMORT: Good evening, everyone! How do you like this magical P.A. system I got going? Anyhow--as you may have heard, I'm invading with my posse. Hand over Harry Potter and nobody will get hurt. Well, except him, of course.
HOGWARTS KIDS AND TEACHERS: Eat me, Dork Lord!
RON: By the way, I now think house elves should be freed.
HERMIONE drops everything and snogs him rotten.
READERS: That's how the kiss finally happens? Well, I suppose if he can accept her absolutely most annoying quality, they're definitely meant to be.
HARRY: Stop it this instant. Till I'm getting some, no one's getting any. Hah. How's it feel now, Ronnykins?
FRED: Heehee, dueling Death Eaters with my brothers is fun! I-- (dies)
READERS: No. No no no. Not a twin. You would not dare. That's too horrible.
ROWLING: Oh, wouldn't I? (cackles)
CHAPTER 33: HOGWARTS, STILL ON FIRE
VOICE OF VOLDEMORT: Hi again, Hogwartsians! All right, there's already been a lot of killing and nobody wants that. But look on the bright side: if you surrender and survive, you'll be able to see thestrals from now on. Anyhow, the offer still stands: turn in Harry and you can live. I'll be in the Forbidden Forest. Cheers!
HARRY: Jerk. Well, let's go see how things are going.
CHAPTER 35: THE SWIRLY LIMBO STATE BETWEEN LIVING AND DEAD, SOON TO BE A STOP ON THE TUBE'S VICTORIA LINE
HARRY: Professor Dumbledore! It's you! So am I dead too?
DUMBLEDORE: Nope. Voldemort took your blood into his veins, which keeps your mum's sacrifice active, which actually keeps you alive!
HARRY: That makes no sense.
DUMBLEDORE: It's magic. Be quiet.
CHAPTER 36: FORBIDDEN FOREST
They bring HARRY to the front steps of Hogwarts, where all his friends rush out and start wailing and tearing their hair.
HARRY: (in his head) Aww, listen to that. I am so going to get some resurrection sex from Ginny later on.
NEVILLE: Enough is enough! I have had it with this m-----f---ing snake!
NEVILLE chops off NAGINI's head, and gets himself a few million new fangirls and fanboys. Chaos erupts again. HARRY jumps up and gets into the fray.
MOLLY kills BELLATRIX. And, yes, absolutely earns herself a few million new fans.
VOLDEMORT: Avada Kedavra!
The spell bounces back on him. VOLDEMORT dies.
HARRY: There. Accidental suicide. Neat, I never had to kill anyone!
DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY: Yeah, thanks for leaving that to the rest of us.
EPILOGUE: NINETEEN YEARS LATER
They've all intermarried, named their kids after dead people, still stick out their tongues at Slytherins, and still use the word "snog." That's about all.
mollyringle.com
There, theres a funny version of those two HP books, but obviously -very- condensed and also very hilarious!
Ill post some parts in case someone is way to lazy to read it all:
Deathly Hallows:
CH 4: DURSLEYS' HOUSE STILL
For instance, these things don't happen, but could:
HERMIONE-AS-HARRY: (squeezing own butt) Hmm, nice. Quite firm. Always did wonder.
RON-AS-HARRY: (peeking down own shorts, smiling in relief) Right, as I suspected. Nothing worth envying.
CH 7: STILL AT THE BURROW
GINNY: Here's your gift. My tongue, for the next half hour.
HARRY: Sweet! Remind me to break up with you more often!
ROWLING tells us they kiss in a way they've never kissed before, which makes you wonder what exactly they were doing in all those precious stolen moments on the Hogwarts grounds that Harry keeps reminiscing about. Playing Scrabble, evidently. Unfortunately HARRY now only gets to enjoy this gift for about ten seconds, for then RON flings open the door.
RON: Till I'm getting some, no one gets any!
HARRY: Hermione? Work on that, will you?
HERMIONE: (cringing) Right. Sorry.
CH. 12: GRIMMAULD PLACE, A MONTH LATER
They lurk outside the Ministry, knock someone out, and send two more to the hospital in order to take their places. Apparently HARRY will only do harm to random cube workers, not actual Death Eaters.
CH. 14: SOME FOREST
HARRY: Whoa! Another Voldemort glimpse in my head just there.
HERMIONE: Oh my God Harry nooo! Stop let-
HARRY: Shut up. Hm, he's looking for some fancy German wand.
HARRY drifts off to sleep thinking dreamily about a blond-haired merry-faced youth who stole something once. SEVERAL READERS start plotting time-travel slash involving HARRY and said THIEF.
CH. 15: VARIOUS CAMPSITES AROUND BRITAIN
HARRY: Woohoo! We finally have one single possible fragment of a clue!
RON: Pfft. Hardly. You suck, so does Dumbledore, and so does this whole trip.
HARRY: Fine. Go home, then.
RON: Fine, I will. You coming, woman?
HERMIONE: Um...no, but...
RON: You suck too.
RON storms out. HERMIONE starts crying and doesn't stop for a week.
HARRY: Dear Dumbledore: Wherever you are, I just want to say I kind of hate you. Sincerely, Harry.
CH 19: SNOWY FOREST
HARRY: Hey, um, it isn't true. She's like a sister to me. Our love is only a sibling-like love. Always has been. Never will be otherwise. I want to make this perfectly clear. We are now on record about the sibling-only nature of our love. Everyone got that?
HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: (sulking) Meanie.
CH 24: SHELL COTTAGE (B & B, 4 ROOMS, ONLY 120 QUID PER NIGHT MAY-OCT!)
HERMIONE: Harry, don't worry about that. It's the wizard behind the wand who counts. And you're a huge wizard.
RON: Hey!
HERMIONE: (quickly) So are you of course, Ron. I imagine. Not that I spend a lot of time imagining--um, anyway...
CH 31: BATTLEFIELD HOGWARTS
VOICE OF VOLDEMORT: Good evening, everyone! How do you like this magical P.A. system I got going? Anyhow--as you may have heard, I'm invading with my posse. Hand over Harry Potter and nobody will get hurt. Well, except him, of course.
HOGWARTS KIDS AND TEACHERS: Eat me, Dork Lord!
RON: By the way, I now think house elves should be freed.
HERMIONE drops everything and snogs him rotten.
READERS: That's how the kiss finally happens? Well, I suppose if he can accept her absolutely most annoying quality, they're definitely meant to be.
HARRY: Stop it this instant. Till I'm getting some, no one's getting any. Hah. How's it feel now, Ronnykins?
FRED: Heehee, dueling Death Eaters with my brothers is fun! I-- (dies)
READERS: No. No no no. Not a twin. You would not dare. That's too horrible.
ROWLING: Oh, wouldn't I? (cackles)
CHAPTER 33: HOGWARTS, STILL ON FIRE
VOICE OF VOLDEMORT: Hi again, Hogwartsians! All right, there's already been a lot of killing and nobody wants that. But look on the bright side: if you surrender and survive, you'll be able to see thestrals from now on. Anyhow, the offer still stands: turn in Harry and you can live. I'll be in the Forbidden Forest. Cheers!
HARRY: Jerk. Well, let's go see how things are going.
CHAPTER 35: THE SWIRLY LIMBO STATE BETWEEN LIVING AND DEAD, SOON TO BE A STOP ON THE TUBE'S VICTORIA LINE
HARRY: Professor Dumbledore! It's you! So am I dead too?
DUMBLEDORE: Nope. Voldemort took your blood into his veins, which keeps your mum's sacrifice active, which actually keeps you alive!
HARRY: That makes no sense.
DUMBLEDORE: It's magic. Be quiet.
CHAPTER 36: FORBIDDEN FOREST
They bring HARRY to the front steps of Hogwarts, where all his friends rush out and start wailing and tearing their hair.
HARRY: (in his head) Aww, listen to that. I am so going to get some resurrection sex from Ginny later on.
NEVILLE: Enough is enough! I have had it with this m-----f---ing snake!
NEVILLE chops off NAGINI's head, and gets himself a few million new fangirls and fanboys. Chaos erupts again. HARRY jumps up and gets into the fray.
MOLLY kills BELLATRIX. And, yes, absolutely earns herself a few million new fans.
VOLDEMORT: Avada Kedavra!
The spell bounces back on him. VOLDEMORT dies.
HARRY: There. Accidental suicide. Neat, I never had to kill anyone!
DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY: Yeah, thanks for leaving that to the rest of us.
EPILOGUE: NINETEEN YEARS LATER
They've all intermarried, named their kids after dead people, still stick out their tongues at Slytherins, and still use the word "snog." That's about all.